At 43 I am the definition of middle-aged. Half-way through life. Life expectancy for women in the UK is somewhere around the early 80s, so statistically this is true. Whether I reach my early 80s or go beyond them is anyone’s guess!

I feel like being middle-aged in 2024 has come a long way. More and more women are using their voices and whatever influence they have to speak out against the pressure to conform to society’s ideals of how they should dress, look, behave and what they should have accomplished by a certain age.

This can be seen in the US with the recent backlash against Republican JD Vance’s comments about ‘childless cat ladies’. His comments, which resurfaced from a 2021 interview, suggested that childless people (particularly childless Democrats) didn’t deserve a say in the country because they weren’t stakeholders. I don’t think I even need to explain how ridiculous that suggestion is! He claims his comments have come out of concern for family and family values but with the Republican party’s policies likely to lead to more child poverty and more people affected by climate change he can’t be that concerned about family values. The idea that childless people can’t show empathy towards children and families is just plain offensive.

Those defending people’s right to be ‘childless cat ladies’ if they so wish include swathes of Taylor Swift fans (famous unmarried, childless cat owner), Kamala Harris’s stepchildren, Jennifer Aniston and thousands of middle-aged women. They’re not ashamed to be single, older, childless, career-focused or any of the things that JD Vance seems to have an issue with. They’re proud to not be bringing children into the world for the sole reason that society thinks they should. They’re proud to be independent and single, running their own homes, providing for themselves and probably relieved not to have to consider someone else’s opinion when they decorate.

On the flip side, the ‘invisibility’ of older women is well documented. A quick internet search turns up numerous studies, articles, books on the subject and also a TED talk. Many women feel they get to a certain age where ageism and sexism combine to make them totally invisible to society. Whilst some women find this invisibility freeing, many find it frustrating, lonely and discriminatory. Falling through an intersectional crack often goes hand in hand with a absence of social justice, evident in the hard-fought campaign for women in their 60s and 70s to be reimbursed for lost pensions following the rise in retirement age.

The media has favoured younger women since the film and television industry first began, leading to women in the industry going to great lengths to try to hide signs of aging or refusing to reveal their age. Many female stars have had cosmetic surgery to fit an industry standard and often regret doing so. As can be seen in this article, this pressure isn’t only felt by older women. Many younger female celebrities undergo procedures such as breast augmentation as a result of insecurities about their bodies. Friends star Courtney Cox has recently been quite vocal about her regrets over procedures she has had in an effort to stay young.

Of course the media industry has a huge influence over society in general, especially since the explosion of social media from the 2000s onwards. So not only do women in the public eye feel a huge amount of pressure to look a certain way, but young girls and women in general try to emulate them, with an emphasis on looking youthful. When I was younger, I read countless ‘what to wear in your 20s/30s/40s/50s/60s’ fashion articles where the clothes for 40s onwards always included garments to hide ‘bingo wings’ and ‘lumps and bumps’, implying we should be hiding our bodies away as we age. I’ve also seen many ‘Women over 40 shouldn’t do this’ or ‘Women over 50 shouldn’t wear this’ type articles over the years.

However, I feel like there has been a shift lately towards celebrating beauty at all stages of life and a definite movement enforcing the message that women can, and should, wear whatever makes them feel happy. For example, I don’t know whether I’m seeing more posts about middle-aged plus women proudly showing off their greying locks because it’s a growing trend or because the algorithms know I’m a middle-aged woman with greying hair and suspect I might like to see it, but either way I am here for it (as my teenagers say)! I dyed my hair for a while in my late 20s to my mid-30s, but then decided to stop. It irritated my scalp, I couldn’t be bothered with the upkeep and I ultimately just decided to embrace my greying hair. This doesn’t mean I have an issue with anyone dying their hair. I stand by any woman’s right to alter their appearance in any way they choose. It’s no business of mine what anyone else wears or does to themselves if it makes them feel confident. What I do have an issue with is society dictating how a woman should look or what she should wear.

What is it with society’s obsession over women’s bodies and controlling them? We’re under pressure to have a child, then to provide them with a sibling, but we need to ‘bounce back’ after having them. We get to a certain age and god forbid we should ‘let ourselves go’. And don’t even get me started on the obsession over controlling reproductive rights in the US! There are so many topics I could go into that link to this: patriarchal society in general; the effect of a patriarchal society and medical profession on women’s health; the responsibilities social media has towards the mental health of women and young girls; middle-aged women being the ‘sandwich’ generation; the effects of perimenopause and menopause on women. Whew! The list is endless! If I tried to cover all of them it would probably turn into a book…

So, to conclude. I’ve never really been one for bowing to peer pressure but I’m nevertheless really enjoying the upsurge in middle-aged (and older) women who don’t care for people telling them what to do. Aside from the fact that I don’t feel any societal pressure to hold back the signs of aging, I also need to give some thanks to a few people. Firstly, my mum and my sister. We’re excellent cheerleaders for each other. When my sister and I were growing up, the emphasis was always on having a healthy relationship with food, having a good posture, looking smart, conducting ourselves well and being able to hold a conversation rather than following a particular fashion or beauty trend of the time. I feel like this has really stood us in good stead to find our own individual styles and have independence of thought.

Secondly, my children for always complimenting me and making me feel good about myself. It’s quite the confidence boost when you send a selfie to your teenage daughter and she replies, ‘Slay!’ or when they tell you that you look nice before you head off to work. I know our lovely children always have my back. Last but definitely not least, my husband for always making me feel like the most beautiful woman wherever we go. He only ever has eyes for me (and vice versa) and we’re always so proud to show each other off. When I look in the mirror at the fine lines collecting around the corners of my eyes and the laughter lines around my mouth, I’m thankful for the privilege of living a life that has given me cause to laugh so much and he’s been a huge part of that.